I used to think I knew about feelings. Happy, sad, angry… How complex are they, really? But then I went through a coach training, and they said you needed to allow your feelings. “Okay,” I thought, “let my feelings be there. Uncomfortable, but no big deal.” The instructors taught that if I allowed my feelings I would never be afraid of anything.
But I found that I was still afraid of things.
I was afraid of disappointing myself. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of having to give up my dream of replacing my 6-figure corporate salary with revenue from my very own business. I was afraid I’d have to admit I couldn’t do it, and I’d have to become an employee again.
So what was I doing wrong? Why couldn’t I feel my feelings?
I learned from Tara Brach that the first step in allowing your feelings is to name them. In this step, it’s helpful to increase your emotion vocabulary. Are you tired, or weary? Are you disappointed, or ashamed? Nail down exactly what it is that you’re feeling.
The next step is to say yes to the emotion. In her book, Radical Compassion, Tara Brach takes you through an exercise where you name the emotion and then say “no” to it. “Shame. No. Shame. No.” When I tried out this exercise, I realized I had definitely been pushing down my emotions. It felt so natural to me to say no to the emotion. At some point in my life I had decided that I “shouldn’t” feel certain emotions, and so I never allowed them.
After you learn that you’ve been saying no to emotions, try the same exercise, but this time say “yes.” “Shame. Yes. Shame. Yes.” When I tried this, it felt awkward at best, and horrifying at worst. Why would I ever want to say yes to shame?
What happened next was something I didn’t expect.
I allowed the shame to persist. I kept naming it and saying yes to it. I could feel the uncomfortable energy of it reverberate through my body. …and then it disappeared. It was completely gone. Pretty soon, I couldn’t generate the feeling of shame even if I wanted to.
I learned that when I allow my emotions — when I say yes to them — they don’t last long at all. Maybe a few minutes is all.
The other thing I learned is that by not allowing the emotions I didn’t want to feel, I was also pushing down the emotions that I did want to feel.
Once I practiced allowing my emotions (naming them, and saying yes to them), I learned an incredibly important truth. My feelings won’t kill me.
If I just allow the emotions to come, and I let them reverberate through my body, they don’t do me any harm, and they go away. I learned that I can make it to the other side of any feeling.
Failures no longer feel as scary. Anger doesn’t control me. Shame isn’t controlling me any longer.
By allowing and feeling your emotions, you too can become fearless. And everything you want is on the other side of that fear. Go get it!
For personalized help with this, come coach with me. Get started at amberdeibert.com/consult